06. Is Your Praise Secretly Poisoning Your Child?


Praise can be poison.


"Why did my child become more hesitant after I praised them?"

I told them they worked hard.
I hugged them and said they did great.
And little by little, they stopped taking on challenges.


What did you praise your child for today?


"Wow, an A! You really are smart."

"Great job. Amazing."

Those words could be doing real harm.

There are different kinds of praise.


Praise for results
"You got an A."
"You're so smart."



Praise for the process
"You didn't give up until the end."
"That's what's amazing."

These two kinds of praise send completely different signals to a child's brain.


Fixed mindset


A mental trap that convinces a child their abilities are simply something they were born with.
(Simply put: a child who believes "I'm the smart one" falls apart the moment they fail.)

Children who hear a lot of results-based praise become afraid of failure.
Because if they fail, they stop being "the smart one."

So they avoid challenges.
They skip hard problems before even trying.
If it looks like they might get it wrong, they don't start at all.
This is why praised children often give up more easily.

I didn't know this either.

Every day I said, "Great job, that's my kid."
When test scores were good, I praised them big time.
I loved seeing their face light up, so I did it even more.
That was the problem.

One day, my child hid a math test.


The score had been bad.

"Why did you hide it?"

They said,
"I thought Dad would be disappointed."

That's when I understood.
My praise had become a weight on their shoulders.
They felt they were only worth praising when they did well.
My praise had been trapping them.

That night, I stood outside their door for a long time.


I didn't know what to say once I walked in.

Should I apologize?
Should I say it's okay?

In the end, I just sat beside them and patted their back.


Praise the process, not the result.

Instead of "You got an A,"
try "You worked through it all the way today."

Instead of "You're smart,"
try "You didn't give up. That's real skill."

One sentence can bring a child's willingness to try back to life.


Growth mindset


 A state of mind that believes ability grows with effort.
(Simply put: a child who believes "if I try hard, I can get better" bounces back even after failing.)

Children praised for their process aren't afraid to fail.
Because even when they fail, they think, "I just need to try harder."

Some parents have actually made this shift.

"Once I stopped praising results, my child started tackling harder problems."
"Once I told them it's okay to get it wrong, they stopped hiding their tests."

One shift in the direction of your praise changed your child's whole attitude.

Here's one thing you should never do.

Don't praise the moment you see the test score.
The instant "What score did you get?" becomes your first question, your child starts measuring themselves by that number.

Instead, ask first: "How was the test today? Was there anything tricky?"
When a parent asks about the process, a child will talk about their effort before their score.

If you're reading this right now, you're already different.
The fact that you're searching for answers and thinking this hard about your child is proof enough that you're a good parent.

This isn't about praising less.
It's about changing the direction.

Tonight, try saying this to your child:

"It's not about the result. The fact that you didn't give up — that's what's amazing."

When you change the direction of your praise,
you become the real hero of your child's story.



Next time: 

Why Copying the Neighbor's Study Method Could Hurt Your Child

Find out in the next post.

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